Carl Linneaus discovered pandas really fat raccoons

Carl Linneaus discovered that pandas are really just fat raccoons but the scientific establishment is suppressing it because it would destroy modern medicine. They paid the deep state to kill him. The music industry knows the truth but the deep state have paid them off with unspeakable quantities of uranium. I know because Carl Linneaus isn't mentioned in Aristotle's writing, and the 'Music industry Truth' Facebook page says so.

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This web page is based on the Perl library Acme::ConspiracyTheory::Random by Toby Inkster.